Saturday, December 15, 2012

Heavy Heart for CT & as a mom

As everyone in America, I'm heartbroken over the tragedy that took place Friday in Newtown CT. It's just unbelievable.

I sit here in bed and I'm crying, as I have been off and on since the news broke.

Tonight Kynlie was not a very well behaved kiddo. It started at Walmart, when she decided to run away from Bradley and I. She use to do this often, but she was younger. She thought it was very funny that daddy and I were chasing her through the store and we had to get help stopping her, so we wouldn't loose her. I thought I was going to loose it on my child. We got to the car and I let her have it, by telling her she was to go straight to her room when we get home, no ice cream or candy and that I was having a talk with Joy (or elf).

We get home and I stood my ground (kinda). Things cooled off and she apologized to us (after telling her to) and things seemed better.

Well, she missed behaved again and started to throw the fits of all fits...stomping, screaming at us, throwing things around, & talking back. I sent her to her room...actually I carried her because she refused to go. She cried and cried and cried, came out and I sent her back and she was devastated and cried harder.

I had to stand my ground and not give in. How else is she to learn if I give in?

I went in to check on her and she had cried her self to sleep. This is where I lost it and cried my eyes out. I crawled in bed with her and held her and wiped away tears that were still on her face. I kissed her face a hundred times.

All I could think about were the parents in CT that will never get to hold their babies and wipe their tears way and what they would give to have a missed behaved child than what they were dealing with.

I hate days like this when I feel like I'm the worst mom alive. I am more blessed than ever to have my babies here on earth. I regret letting her cry her self to sleep. I didn't get the chance to have the talk with her about how much I love her and explain to her why I was punishing her.

Last night she crawled in bed with us, like she normally does. It was around 2am. Usually I let her fall back a sleep and move her back but last night I didn't. I was having a hard time sleeping so I held her as she feel back a sleep and I cried. I prayed over her and thanked the Lord I had her (and kooper) to hold. I prayed for the victims of CT and or country. I just cannot wrap my mind around this. I'm sick about it and pray this will never happen again.

So as hard as it is disciplining and sticking my ground and feeling like the worst mom ever I'd rather have these issues any day.

Not only were 20 sweet young lives lost, but 7 adults. I cannot imagine loosing my spouse, parent, brother (or sister). They are heroes.

There will be a day of silence on Tuesday December 18.

With Love

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